What are jokes u know?

What are some really funny jokes u guys knoww?

not stupid ones?

What are jokes u know?-Myspace pictures

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

1.On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

2.On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.

Details inside.

3.On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."

(and that would be???....)

4.On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."

(but, it's just a suggestion.)

5.On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."

(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

6.On Marks %26amp; Spencer Bread Pudding --"Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

7.On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."

(but wouldn't this save me time?)

8.On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."

(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

9.On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."

(...I'm taking this because???....)

10.On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to what?)

11.On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

12.On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning, contains nuts."

(talk about a news flash)

13.On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."

(Step 3: say what?)

14.On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."

(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

15.On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."

(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

What are jokes u know?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

When you have a "I Hate My Job" day, try this:

On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the

thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by

Johnson %26amp; Johnson

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors,

draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be

disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite

chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully

place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and

read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a

statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson %26amp; Johnson is personally

tested and then sanitized ".

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,"I am so glad

I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson %26amp; Johnson."
k, there was these 2 guys eating grass at the side, and a man came around. He asked why they were eating grass. the first man said that he was poor so he had to eat grass. the second man said the same thing, except he had 6 other family members. so, the man invited them to his house and said that they can eat there. so they went with him. on their way to the man's house, the two men told them thank you and how kind. the man just simply said "I don't mind, after all, my lawn is 6ft. tall"
Why did cave men drag their women around by the hair ?.......so they didnt fill up with dirt !!!! hehehehehe
A guy walks into a restaurant and orders two pork chops from a blonde waitress, and he adds "Make them lean!" She says, "Which way?"
What's Hitlers least favorite planet? (Jewpiter)

What do you call an arab standing between two buildings? (Ali!)

What do you call a peice of sandpaper in Afghanistan? (a map

Why is the Afghan air force so easy to train? (You only have to teach them how to take off!)

What is Michael Jacksons idea of a perfect 10? (two 5 year olds)

Why did Michael Jackson call "Boys to Men"? (he thought it was a delivery service)

How does Michael Jackson screw in a lightbulb? (He doesnt, he only screws little boys)

What does Michael Jackson have in common with the NASA? (its been 25 years since the first moon landing)

What do Micheal Jackson and playstations have in common? (they both get turned on by little kids)
A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned." "What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back. "Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and Ifeel absolutely terrible." "When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest. "I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was goingto go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over thefairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about100yards." "Is that when you swore?" "No, Father." Said the man. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushesand grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away." "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the Father again. "Well, no." said the man, "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eaglecame down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began tofly away!" "Is THAT when you swore?" asked the amazed Priest. "No, not yet." The man replied. "As the eagle carried the squirrel away inhis claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit offorest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball." "Did you swear THEN?" asked the now impatient Priest. "No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through somebushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto thegreen and stopped within six inches of the hole." "You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?" sighed the Priest.
there were 3 girls

-a brunette

-a blonde

-and a red head

they decided 2 rob a bank but the cops came so they all hid in the back room in potatoe sacks. the cops came in and kicked the first bag that the brunette was in and all u could hear was woof woof so the cops thought it's just a dog so they went 2 the second bag that had the red head in it and kicked it and all u could hear was meow meow so the cops thought o that's just a cat so they went 2 the last bag that the blonde was in and kicked it and all u could hear was potatoes.
A man walks into a therapists office wearing nothing but saran warp.

The therapist looks up and says, "Ok, I can clearly see ur nuts."
the redhead went to see the doctor. "doc, i hurt all over. when i touch myself here,(left shoulder) or here (tummy) or even here (right knee), there's a lot of pain."

the doctor says, "you're not a real redhead, are you?"

"no, sir," she replies,"i just colored my hair two days ago."

"that explains it; you have a broken finger."
Lie as well as I do

A political man to a woman, "You look beautiful today!!!!"

The woman replied, "Thanks, but unfortunately I could not say the same about you."

"Sure you could!!" said the political man, "if you could lie as well as I do!"
what is at the end of space?

and at the begining of eternity?

what rhymes with bruce lee?

the letter E