I need jokes!!!!!!!!!!?

Ok so my friends and I take turns every night telling jokes. Tinight is my night so I need some GOOD ones.

They can be dirty,lean,long,short, what ever!

Just dont say 'the horse fell in mud', cuz that's gay!

So plz help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...

P.S. new ones are apprieciated!

I need jokes!!!!!!!!!!?-Myspace pictures

a toddler was playing near his dad who was reading the paper and he says look daddy wiggleing his finger at his dad. His father said I'm going to eat that finger right up and grabbed it in his mouth and pretended to eat it. The little boy pulls it back out and looks at it with a tear in his eye he asked where's my booger.

I need jokes!!!!!!!!!!?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

Out of all the blonde jokes, this one has to be the best!

Football FINALLY makes sense..........

A guy took his blonde girlfriendto her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pantsand all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand

why they were killing each other over 25 cents

"Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback!

Get the quarterback!'

I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
Wife walks into Dentists sits in the chair and puts aleg over either arm

"ER you need gynochology that's next floor up!!" says the dentist

"NOPE last week you gave my husband new dentured ....

This week your takin them out!!!"
okay here are some jokes:

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it

English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes we find that

Quicksand takes you down slowly

Boxing rings are square

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.

If the plural of tooth is teeth

Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth

If the teacher taught,

Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables

What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play

Yet play at a recital?

Park on driveways and

Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy

Of a language where a house can burn up as

It burns down

And in which you fill in a form

By filling it out

And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers

And it reflects the creativity of the human race

(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why

When the stars are out they are visible

But when the lights are out they are invisible

And why it is that when I wind up my watch

It starts

But when I wind up this observation,

It ends.
Three blonds were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blond, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

"Easy, " she replied. "He only has one eye."

The chief was stunned. "He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!" He repeated the procedure for the second blond and again asked how she would recognize him.

"He only has one ear, " was her answer.

"What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!" He repeated the procedure for the third blond, then said, "How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer."

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, "He's wearing contact lenses."

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, "How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!"

"Well, " she said, "he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?"

Here are some more.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...
"Fast Eddie" the office prick tells the secretary he'll give her a hundred bucks to have sex with her. Eddie says he can put the hundred on the floor, and by the time she picks it up, he'll be done. They don't call him Fast Eddie for nothing, right? She says she's married, and that she's calling her husband to tell him of Eddie's obscene proposition. Her husband tells her that they could actually use the money but that she should only do it for two hundred. He said there's no way he could get his zipper down in the time it takes her to grab the money from the floor. He hangs up, telling her to call as soon as she's done.

A half-hour later the husband calls back, and asks why she didn't call. The Secretary screams back, "because he's not done, the bastard paid in quarters!"
TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

STUDENT: Nine.

TEACHER: That's impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn't, teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE : Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS : George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLY : Me!

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?

BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

ALFRED : I get up early.

TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?

STUDENT: Yes, sir.

TEACHER: And didn't i promise to punish you if you didn't?

STUDENT: Yes, sir,but since I broke my promise, you didn't have to keep yours.

HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

TEACHER: Of course not.

HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow." That's what I did.

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

DON: I hope you didn't either.

GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

JUNIOR: Because of absence.

MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

FATHER : What's that?

TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say "I am."

ELLEN: All right. "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

VINCENT: One dollar.

TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

TEACHERS: If I had 7 oranges in one hand and 8 oranges in the other, what would I have?

CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

TEACHER: Why are you late?

AMOS: I lost my quarter.

TEACHER: And why are you late, Oliver?

OLIVER: I was standing on it.

"Isn't the principal a dummy!" said a boy to a girl.

"Say, do you know who I am?" asked the girl.

"No."

"I'm the principal's daughter."

"And do you know who I am?" asked the boy.

"No," she replied.

"Thank goodness!"

EDIT: Prince JD: I liked the bluebird yellowbird joke. Took me a couple of seconds to get it, then was funny :))
-His wife had just bought a new line of expensive cosmetics

absolutely guaranteed to make her looks years longer. She sat

in front of the mirror for what had to be hours applying the

"miracle" products. Finally, when she was done, she turned to

her husband and said, "Honey, honestly now, what age would you say I am?"

He nodded his head in assessment, and carefully said, "Well,

judging from your skin, twenty. Your hair, eighteen. Your

figure, twenty-five."

"Oh, you're so sweet!"

"Well, hang on, I'm not done adding it up yet..."

kinda corny but i thought it was funny:

-There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone", so

named because he had only one testicle. He hated that name

and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and

said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then

one day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good

morning, Onestone..."

He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest

where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love

to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until

a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,

was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he

screwed her all day, screwed her all night, screwed her all

the next day, screwed her all the next night... but, Yellow

Bird wouldn't die!

What is the moral of this story?

You can't kill two birds with one stone.