Feeling low...jokes plz!?

any one got any good jokes! feeling really loww!! plz.. got one thing to maek me laugh!

Feeling low...jokes plz!?-Myspace pictures

where does a snowman keep his money

in a snowbank!!

The big winner By Jack Potts

Yellow River by I P Daley

Feeling low...jokes plz!?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

what do you call a cow with no legs

GROUND BEEF!!! hahahhahaahh!!!!!!!!
Top Ten Inspirational Sayings We'd Like to See at the Nurse's Station

10. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

9. If at first you don't succeed...try management.

8. TEAMWORK means never having to take all the blame yourself.

7. Hang in there....retirement is only 35 years away!

6. Go the extra mile...it makes your supervisor look incompetent.

5. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

4. Administration...we waste time so you don't have to.

3. The beatings will continue until morale improves.

2. A person who smiles in the face of adversity, probably has a scapegoat.

1. Succeed in spite of Administration.

--------------------------------------...

Top Ten Things You Need To Know To Be A Nurse

10. If it's wet make it dry.

9. If it's dry make it wet.

8. Always ask for on-call pay before agreeing to overtime.

7. Never tell management what you are really thinking.

6. Never finish report with, "You have an easy assignment".

5. Never say. "This looks like a easy assignment".

4. Don't expect nurses aids to do their job.

3. Don't expect doctors to believe any thing you tell them.

2. If you don't have enough time to do everything, take about 30 minutes to complain about it.

1. If it moves, rattles, shakes, falls down, or won't stay in place: tape it.

--------------------------------------...

Top 10 Reasons to Become a Nurse

10. Pays better than McDonald's (though the hours aren't as good.)

9. Fashionable shoes and sexy uniforms.

8. Needles: 'tis better to give than to receive.

7. Confidence in reassuring patients that all bleeding stops ... eventually.

6. Opportunity to expose yourself to rare, exotic, and exciting new diseases.

5. Interesting aromas.

4. Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly clear handwriting.

3. Admit it, it's a lot easier than med school.

2. Celebration of holidays with all your friends ... at work.

1. Comfort in the knowledge that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

--------------------------------------...

Top ten reasons to become a nurse:

1) Pays better then fast food, though the hours aren't as good.

2) Fashionable shoes and sexy white uniforms.

3) Needles: "Tis better to give than receive"

4) Reassure your patients that all bleeding stops...eventually.

5) Expose yourself to rare, exciting and new diseases.

6) Interesting aromas.

7) Courteous and infallible doctors who always leave clear orders in perfectly legible handwriting.

8) Do enough charting to navigate around the world.

9) Celebrate all the holidays with your friends- at work.

10) Take comfort that most of your patients survive no matter what you do to them.

--------------------------------------...

You know you're a nurse if...

You believe every patient needs TLC: Thorazine, Lorazepam and Compazine.

You would like to meet the inventor of the call light in a dark alley one night.

You believe not all patients are annoying ... some are unconscious.

Your sense of humor seems to get more "warped" each year.

You know the phone numbers of every late night food delivery place in town by heart.

You can only tell time with a 24 hour clock.

Almost everything can seem humorous ... eventually.

When asked, "What color is the patient's diarrhea?", you show them your shoes.

Every time you walk, you make a rattling noise because of all the scissors and clamps in your pockets.

You can tell the pharmacist more about the medicines he is dispensing than he can.

You carry "spare" meds in your pocket rather than wait for pharmacy to deliver.

You refuse to watch ER because it's too much like the real thing and triggers "flash backs."

You check the caller ID when the phone rings on your day off to see if someone from the hospital is trying to call to ask you to work.

You've been telling stories in a restaurant and had someone at another table throw up.

You notice that you use more four letter words now than before you became a nurse.

Every time someone asks you for a pen, you can find at least three of them on you.

You can intubate your friends at parties.

You don't get excited about blood loss ... unless it's your own.

You live by the motto, "To be right is only half the battle, to convince the physician is more difficult."

You've basted your Thanksgiving turkey with a Toomey syringe.

You've told a confused patient your name was that of your coworker and to HOLLER if they need help.

Eating microwave popcorn out a clean bedpan is perfectly natural.

Your bladder can expand to the same size as a Winnebago's water tank.

When checking the level of orientation of a patient, you aren't sure of the answer.

You find yourself checking out other customer's arm veins in grocery waiting lines.

You can sleep soundly at the hospital cafeteria table during dinner break, sitting up and not be embarrassed when you wake up.

You avoid unhealthy looking shoppers in the mall for fear that they'll drop near you and you'll have to do CPR on your day off.

You've sworn you're going to have "NO CODE" tattooed on your chest.

Hope it makes you laugh!
There once was a man who traveled to a strange foreign country, and while he was there he found a strange old lamp of some sort. When he got home he polished off the lamp, and out came a genie. Then the genie said "I'll give you three wishes, but on one condition, your mother in law gets twice as much as you wish."

So the man decided for his first wish that he wanted 1 billion dollars, so his mother in law (who lived across the street) got 2 billion dollars. For the man's second wish he decided that he wanted to have a 200 room mansion, so his mother in law got a 400 room mansion. For the man's last wish, he took a long time to think it out, and then he said to the genie, "I wish you choked me half to death."
A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

--------------------------------------...

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the f*** is your problem!!! I said I needed a handsaw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"