Your best jokes?

My husband and I love corny jokes, as long as they are silly enough to be funny!

Your best jokes?-Myspace pictures

hope ya'll like this......

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Your best jokes?

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Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,

he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

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The Good Napkins

My mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake).

One day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen?

Not wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions."

Now fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table.

When they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!!

My mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter.

"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"

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A Jamaican man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he

passes a

little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using

numbers,

represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" The Jamaican says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds

to draw

three trees.

What's this?" the boss asks

"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the

Jamaican.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use

the same

rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Jamaican stares into space for a while, then picks up the

picture that

he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

%26gt;%26gt;The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that

represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty

tree, and

dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to

hire this

Jamaican, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again,

but

represent the number 100."

The Jamaican stares into space some more, then he picks up the

picture again

and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you

go. One

hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that

represents a hundred!"

The Jamaican leans forward and points to the marks at the base of

each tree

and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now

you got

dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a

turd,

which makes one hundred."

"So, when I start?"

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Three women die together in an accident

and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on . very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
God makes a visit to Adam and Eva.

He sais: Alright. I have a gift for each of you. The one who sais me first gets the first one!

Adam and Eva: OK!

God: Ok! So, my first gift: to be able to pee while standing!

Adam: ME!!!!

Eva: That's not fair! I wanted that!!!

God: Don't worry Eva. (Gives Adam his 'gift'). The second gift is for you...

Eva: WHat is it?

God: A brain!

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There was once a skyscraper. On the top floor, there lived a tennis player. On the second-top floor, there lived a soccer player. On the second-bottom floor, there lived the woman that always tok a shower. On the bottom floor, there was the blind man.

One day, someone knocked on the dorr to the woman who always took a shower.

She called: Who is it?

Tennis Player: It's me, the tennis player!

So the woman that always took a shower got out of the shower, put on her bathrobe and opened the door.

Tennis Player: Congratulate me, I won a match!

Woman that always took a shower: Great! Congratulations!

The next day, someone knocked at her door again.

She called: WHo is it?

Soccer Player: It's me, the soccer player!

So the woman that always took a shower got out of the shower, put on her bathrobe and opened the door.

Soccer player: COngratulate me, I won a match!

Woman that always took a shower: Great! Congratulations!

The next day, someone knocked at her door again.

She called: WHo is it?

Blind man: It's me, the blind man!

So the woman that always took a shower got out of the shower, but didnt bother putting the bathrobe on - the man was blind!

Blind man: Hello! Congratulate me! I can see again!
Did you hear about the polish woman who took her vibrator back for a refund? She said that it kept chipping her teeth
I hope you like this joke. Your so poor that when I walked into your house 2 roaches tripped me %26amp; a rat stole my walet
3 blondes walk into a bar, u woud've thought they saw it coming!
Where Is God?

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons were probably involved.

They boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?".

They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed.

So the clergyman repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?"

Again the boy made no attempt to answer.

So the clergyman raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"