Any good jokes please?

im out with the girls tonight just wondered if you have any jokes i can tell

Any good jokes please?-Myspace pictures

A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.

The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.

The man says, "that's ok."

The man's next wish is for a house by the sea.

Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, "that's okay."

The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!

Heaven was filling up, so God decided to only let people in who had really horrible deaths.

The first guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The man began his story.

"Well, I found out my wife was having an affair, so I tried to kill the guy. I found him outside a window of a five story building hanging on to the ledge by his hands. I hit his hands with a hammer and he fell off of the building. When he hit the ground he still didn't die, so I threw a refrigerator on him and he died. And after all of that, I died of a heart attack.

"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" so he let him through the gate.

The next guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The guy began his story.

"Well I was working out in the hallway when I slipped and fell down the stairs and fell out the window. I managed to grab the window ledge but some guy hit my hands with a hammer so I fell off the building. I landed in a bush so I was okay, but then the guy threw a fridge on me!

"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" and he let him through the gate.

Then a third guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The guy began his story.

"You aren't going to believe this" he said, "but i was hiding in a refridgerator...

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!

Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep.

One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!

Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.

The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ***!!

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.

During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."

From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -

"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"

One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"

The Choirboy replies...

"flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget"!

A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.

"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.

"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"

"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.

"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.

"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"

"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"

"Five dollars," was the familiar response.

"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,

"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"

A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.

When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"

The man replied "You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years".

Any good jokes please?

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

I had to put my dog down today.

It was just getting too heavy to carry.
virgin took over ntl !!!
A BAD one is:- what do you call a girl with a sheep on her head?

baa-baa-ra

For all those that give me a thumbs down, I did say it was a bad one.
Why were the middle ages called the dark ages?? Because there were many knights!!! (many dind't understand this:P it's how you pronounce knights ;) )
Three tampons walking down the street.

lilet

fleur

carefree

which one do you think is most likely to stop and speak to you???

None of them

They are all stuck up c**ts
A woman stopped me in the street today and said "Excuse me, can you spare a moment for Cancer Research?"

"No problem", I said "but we're not going to get much done".
What do you call a fly with no wings?

- a walk - LMAO when recently told this..

also - what is a drawing pin?

- a smarty with a hard on.....

sorry not to good at jokes - I just find most things funny.....
1)Top ten ways to annoy your waiter:

10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.

9. Ask, "Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?"

8. After he describes each special, you shout, "Garbage!"

7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, "Minimum wage".

6. Every few seconds, yell, "More waffles, Cuomo!"

5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.

4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, "You wouldn't charge Superman for dinner, would you?"

3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.

2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, "He's gonna spit in the chowder!"

1. Three words: eat the check.

2) Here's a delightful treat someone once made for an office Christmas party:

A gelatin mold should be made with Knox Unflavored Gelatin and red food coloring. One would think that a flavorless food would not be at all difficult to swallow, but believe me, from the looks of people who inserted cold masses of gelatinous glop into a mouth that was expecting sweets, the experience is unexplainably horrifying! Some claimed to be nauseated by the feel of it; others politely swallowed.

These are the food jokes today! How are they? Well, mail me at nikhila_kavuru@yahoo.com Good night!
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
WHATS BLACK OR WHITE AND HANGS OUT YOUR PANTS?ANSWER YOUR MUM
there's a college proffessor talking to her students about the final exam she says that it's mandatory and that if you aren't here there better be a medical emergency and of course the class clown says "what about sexual exhaustion" and the teacher says "no, you can use your other hand to write".

I love this one...
haha....I can give u 1 joke, but I楹搈 gonna charge u a laughter! 閳?br>

Just go HAHAHAHA ..(even if u don楹搕 like it)

Why do flies only live 24-48 hours!?

Coz, the got tooo much S H I T!!

EStoy loco!! chica!!
Three irish men sitting in a cafe masturbating......Waitress walks up to the table and says "WHAT THE F**K ARE YOU LOT PLAYING AT?????".......Irish man points to the sign on the cafe wall.......First come first served.
Railroad investigators found that most accidents involved the last car of the trains. S-o-o-o, they ordered the last car removed from all trains...
You and two close friends are on a golf cart when suddenely, the driver (ur friend)n runs u into a lake and you all drown.

So you go to heaven. St peter says "you can golf here, just dont hit the ducks" Easy enough. On the first day, ur friend hits a duck. St peter takes Him/her and chains him/her to the ugliest member of the opposite sex in heaven for eternity. The next day, your other friend hits a duck. same deal. so your going to be EXTRA careful and noy golf at all. Suddenely, St Peter runs up 2 u and chains a really hot guy 2 u. u say "Wow! what did I do to deserve this??!!" the guy chained to you says "I dont know about you, but i hit a duck."