Any good jokes anyone??

please tell me some good jokes!!!

Any good jokes anyone??-Myspace pictures

I found these on here:

Funny Jokes:

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2.

A housewife takes a lover during the day,

while her husband is at work.

Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "鎷?50."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy

and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "I'll tell."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "鎷?50."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy,

"Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!"

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "鎷?,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends

like that. That is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and

makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and

closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."

3.

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of the toilet. But each time he looked up, the illuminated sign proclaimed that it was occupied.

The stewardess, aware of his predicament, suggested that he uses the airplane's new prototype women's loo.

But he must not press any of the buttons inside. The were labelled WW,WA,PP, and ATR.

The man's curiosity got the best of him and he started pressing the buttons one by one.

When he pressed WW, Warm, fragrant Water was sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, wow, the women really have it made.

Still curious, he pressed the button marked WA, and a gentle breeze of Warm Air quickly dried his hindquarters. He thought this was fantastic and reached for the button marked PP.

This yielded a large Powder Puff that delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Naturally, he couldn't resist the last button marked ATR.

When he woke up in the hospital, he buzzed for the nurse. "What happened to me? The last thing I remember is that I was in the new ladies' room on a plane."

"Yes," replied the nurse, "apparently you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button, which stands for AUTOMATIC TAMPON REMOVER. Your penis is under your pillow."

4

In a second grade class, a little girl asks, "Teacher, can my Mommy get pregnant?", "How old is your mother, dear?" asks the teacher. "Forty." she replies. "Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can my big sister get pregnant?" "Well, dear, how old is your sister?" The little girl answers, "Nineteen." "Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant." The little girl then asks, "Can I get pregnant?" "How old are you, dear?" The little girl answers, "I'm seven years old." "No, dear, you can't get pregnant..." Then, the little boy behind the little girl gives her a poke and says, "See, I told you we had nothing to worry about."

5

A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. "Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!" Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!" Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!" They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing.

6.

Two parents take their son on vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes to play in the water. Shortly thereafter, the boy runs to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother cleverly replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are!"

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I saw some men with dongs a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

"The bigger they are, the dumber they are!" she replies.

With that, the little boy runs back into the water and continues to play. Several minutes later, though, the little boy runs back to his mother and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more he talked, the dumber he got"

7.

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted. "And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

8.

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"

9.

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A dick." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A dick". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a dick."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a dick is ten inches long and black."

Any good jokes anyone??

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

the one above me has a few real good ones man

i love em;
A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced ten

husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,

"Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married

ten

times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how

great

it was going to be."

"Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it

was

supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to

me."

"Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out

diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up."

"Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order,

he

didn't know when he would be able to deliver."

"Husband #5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted

three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art

method."

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how, but he

wasn't

sure whether it was his job or not."

"Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never

sure

how to position it."

"Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it."

"Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look."

"Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was............

God,

I

miss him!".........

"But now that I've married you, I'm so excited!"

"Wonderful," said the husband, "but, why?"

You're with the Government........This time I KNOW I'm gonna get

screwed."

Catholic Girls

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish.

They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the

first girl, "Tiffany,

have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with

the tip of my fingers.

St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tips of your fingers in the Holy Water and

pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had

any contact with a

male organ?"

The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and

stroked one."

St. Peter says, "Okay dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through

the gate."

All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl

is pushing her way

to the front of the line.

When she reaches the front, St. Peter says, "Paula! What seems to be the

rush?"

The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to

do it before Jessica

sticks her *** in it." !!!!!!

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in

the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30

minutes.The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a

ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to

put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and

knock

the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls

off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The

bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the

back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner."What's the shotgun for?" asks

the homeowner. "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Brokeback Bar

A cowboy walks into a bar and realizes it's a gay bar.

But what the heck, he says to himself, "I can really use a drink."

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your weewee?"

The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, all I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your weewee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his,

Snickers, because it really 'Satisfies.'"

The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"

The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex," and the thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!"

A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"

The guy nex t to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY, 'Like A Rock.'" and gives a wink.

Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, "The name of my weewee is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer."

The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked, "Why Secret?"

The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN."

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to

the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked

Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her

mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor

was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and

spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked

the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she

had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there

In the first place......smack his *** again!"

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small

tree

begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that

a

son

of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if

that

is

a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It

is,

however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."