Little johnny jokes please!!!?

Little johnny jokes please!!!?

new ones or really funny ones ;)

Little johnny jokes please!!!?-Myspace pictures

Little Johnny was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about 'making out' from the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning, Johnny described EVERYTHING to his mother. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured 'Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time 'Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick-a big eel ;had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared-her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house! Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats- they have nine lives or something. This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet.

Little johnny jokes please!!!?

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3rd grade sunday school teacher asks the class?

What part of the body goes to heaven first?

3 kids raise their hand.(little Johnny in back of class wanting to be picked first waveing his hand back and forth)

Ok cathey what do you think goes to heaven first? cathy replys your heart,because you have to have Jesus in your heart to go to heaven. teacher says very good. ok Ann your next,

Ann said i think it's your sole that goes first. Because you have to have Jesus in your heart and sole. Teacher said very good. OK Johnny what do you think? Johnny says I know this one it's your FEET. Teacher says YOUR FEET why do you think your feet goes first? Johnny said Because I got out of bed last night to go to the bathroom and when I walked past mom and dads room momma had her feet in the air saying OH GOD I"M COMEING I"M COMEING
Johnny was a little boy, a little boy no more, for what he thought was H2O was H2SO4
Little Johnny was never very good in class. He was always falling asleep.

So one day, the teacher asked. "Johnny, who created the universe?"

A little girl sitting behind Johnny wanted to help, so she stuck him with a pin.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!" Johnny screamed.

"Very good, Johnny." The teacher said, and Johnny fell back asleep.

After awhile, the teacher asked Johnny again, "Who did Mary give birth to?"

The girl stuck Johnny with a pin again.

"JESUS!" He yelled.

"Good job, Johnny." The teacher said, and Johnny fell back asleep.

The teacher asked a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23 child?"

Again the girl stabbed Johnny with the pin, and he screamed, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR @SS!"

The teacher fainted.
I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a lot. It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They have no wife to go home to.... OR they do.

One day, a blonde who lived on the 12th floor of a high-rise apartment building was out on her balcony, flapping the bed sheets to air them out, when suddenly a great gust of wind caught the sheets and sent her over the edge, plummeting to her death.

"Oh, ****!" the woman thought, "what a stupid way to die."

Without warning, a man on the 10th floor balcony stuck his arms out into the air, catching the woman.

Delirious from shock, the woman shouted, "Oh, thank you! You saved my life, thank you!"

The man replied, "Do you suck?"

Stunned at this, the woman said, "No, I don't suck!"

And with that, the man let go of her.

"****!" the woman thought as she began to plummet again.

Suddenly, another set of arms grabbed her at the 9th floor.

"Thank God!" she screamed. "I would have died if it weren't for you!"

The man asked, "Do you ****?"

Absolutely aghast, the woman answered, "No, I don't ****!"

Once again, the arms that held her safe were no longer there.

Falling again, the woman thought that she would surely die.

Just then, a set of arms stretched out from the 7th floor. Not believing her luck, the woman shouted, "I suck! I ****!"

"****," the man said, and dropped her.

Little Johnny has always had a fascination with sex, and always talked to his parents about it. One evening, the conversation got around to talking about penis's.

Johnny's dad tried to explain it to Johnny in a child like way.

"Well Johnny, your penis sleeps for a very long time. Sometimes when it is around women, it wakes up, stretches and grows to about 5 inches long and..."

"Dad", interrupted Johnny, "That sounds a bit small. Mum said that Bob's next door is twice as big!!!"

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.

"I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time."

"You miss me that much?" she asks.

"No", he says. "But it kept me from coming too fast."

"The porn industry totally shut down. They estimate that this porn shutdown has put over 6,000 actors and actresses out of work, 400 cameramen, and 1 writer."

One day George Bush was sitting in his oval office when his secretary came in.

The secretary informed Bush that "3 Brazilian soldiers has been killed in an ambush"

Upon hearing this news Bush's face began to sadden and began to sob and then a burst into tears.

The secretary asked why he was crying.

Bush replied "Damn Bill that is awful news, but please tell me something"

"What is it sir?"

"How many zeros are there in one Brazillion??"

Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant."

Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough consultants."

Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor."

Employer: "More than we can use already."

Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk. If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."

Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications."

Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "Work for you? I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!"

Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening."

Elly, a blonde, is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it. Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Every day (and night) I get tons of phone calls from telemarketers trying to sell me something. I hate these calls, but I always try to be polite when I say No Thank You. One night, I had a very persistent telemarketer, and no matter how many times and ways I said No thank you, not interested, he would not let up. I finally said, "Listen, I am not financially in a position to buy anything right now. I am broke and on the verge of bankruptcy."

Without missing a beat, the telemarketer said to me, "I understand what you mean. Why do you think I have this job right now?"