Good dirty jokes please?

need to learn some good jokes, please help

Good dirty jokes please?-Myspace pictures

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pi$$ed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the cr@p out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavil, shouting "Silence in Court."

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says "OK."

"Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded. "Ow.. that must have hurt!"

Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my fingers!"

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Maria, a beautiful Latino fell in love with Jose. She planned to marry very soon. She was so happy about her wedding plans, she decided to tell her papa. Papa told her, "Maria, you'll have to find another boyfriend.閳?

閳ユ返our Mother does not know this, but Jose is your half-brother" .

So Maria forgot about her Jose, and soon planned to marry Ricardo. But after telling papa again, he said, "Maria there's trouble still. You cannot marry Ricardo, my darling. Please don't tell your mother, but Ricardo is your

half-brother too."

Maria had no choice but to go to her mama. Mama already knew and said "My darling, do what makes you happy. Marry Ricardo or marry Jose, because you

are not related to Papa."

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a woman went to see her doctor to confide her problem with her husband having a looong pe***.

woman: "doc, you must help me, my husband's **** is just too long it reaches my liver everytime we have sex!"

doctor: "woah! that's a terrible problem.hmmmm...

ok, we'll fix it. bring your husband here so we can conduct an operation.we have to cut "it" so it becomes shorter."

woman: "oh no, doc!"

(the doctor puzzled)

woman: "why don't you just conduct an operation...

...to move my liver a bit higher?"

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A warning to all Grandmas... be careful what you say... Little Stevie was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Stevie just said, "Oh, OK." and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called bunk beds! -- and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"

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There once was a boy with a bucket of fish.

He yelled " Selling dam fish! Selling dam fish!"

A preacher walked by.

The Preacher said "Why do you speak with such a dirty mouth?"

The boy said "im not, i caught these fish at the dam."

So the preacher thought he'd buy some nice and local fish.

The preacher came home home and gave his wife two dam fish he'd bought from the boy.

"Honey, cook these two dam fish for dinner."

The wife said "hey, hey, hey ur a preacher, dont talk like that"

THe preacher said"No hun, they're dam fish from the city dam."

As they ate, The preacher told his son.

"Son pass over that dam fish."

The son's eyes brightened.

"Thats the spirit dad!, as he passed the dam fish,

"Hey mom , pass the fuking potatoes!"

Good dirty jokes please?

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A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the bonnet.

"Leave it with me," says the mechanic. "Come back in 20 minutes."

So, off goes the penguin. It's a pretty hot day, and he's a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren't very good at eating ice creams 閳?the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage.

"Oh, hello," says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth.

"Hello," replies the penguin. "Was it anything serious?"

"Not really, but it looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh no, no, no!" says the penguin, wiping his mouth. "It's just ice cream."