Have funny jokes and short stories???

I am the "MC" at a big Talent Show tonight. I need some jokes and short funny stories to tell in-between performances to keep the crowd alive! Can any of you help me out??

Oh, and it is for a church group....so keep it clean folks!

Thanks ahead of time! UR awesome to help!

Have funny jokes and short stories???-Myspace pictures

there's this couple and there having an argument about who should make the other's coffee in the morning. the husband says that in the book of proverbs it specifically says that the wife should fulfill her duties to her husband. the wife replies "no it says right in the Bible that you should make my coffee." he says "show me where." she gets out a Bible, points to the top of the page and sure enough there are the words: HE BREWS

Have funny jokes and short stories???

-(Myspace images myspace.com)

Here's one that your church group will like...

- How do we know that they played baseball in the Bible?

- The book of Genesis is all about the Big Inning (Beginning)

:)
- What's the difference between a used car salesman and a software salesmen?

Only the used car salesemen knows when he lying

- "What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.

"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.

"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"

"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

-
I don't know if you necessaraly wanted religious jokes, but this is kinda funny...

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife's interest in health food and exercising. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied. "This is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home bordered. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the greens fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is heaven, you play for free." Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part, you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick either. This is, after all, Heaven." With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
a lion runs after the hunter in the jungle.. and as soon as he trapped the hunter.. the hunter bend his knee and shoutedly prayed: "Oh, dear Jesus, please make this lion a christian" and as soon as he speak the lion bend his knee and spoke "bless me oh lord for this thy gifts from which I about to receive......."